FADE IN:

INT. USS KELVIN

The SUN shines through the viewscreen, which is apparently an actual window opening out onto space. DIRECTOR JJ ABRAMS takes this opportunity to inflict some massively overdone lens flare on the AUDIENCE.

AUDIENCE

Augh!

CAMERAMAN

Oh jeez, whoops.

The cameraman puts the matte box back on the lens.

CAMERMAN

Uh, we've already shot everything else. Can we re-shoot the entire movie?

DIRECTOR JJ ABRAMS

Eh, I'll just call it an "artistic decision".

FARAN TAHIR

Ah, that's better. All right, there's apparently a "lightning storm in space". Let's check this shit out, since anomalies in star trek are never ever dangerous.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

A "lightning storm in space"? How would that even work? What would the lightning be striking, precisely?

A ship emerges from the lightning storm, and completely FUCKS UP the Kelvin's SHIT.

ERIC BANA

Resistance is futile. Ha ha, I've always wanted to say that. Seriously, though, we want your captain, so we can kill him.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Wow, this is a bad idea.

FARAN TAHIR

Don't be a pussy, this guy seems legit.

INT. ROMULAN MINING SHIP

ERIC BANA

Where is Ambassador Spock?

FARAN TAHIR

Who?

ERIC stabs him with a handy spear-halberd-thing that Romulans apparently keep on their bridge.

FARAN TAHIR

(dying)

Nice impulse control, jerk.

INT. USS KELVIN

The ROMULANS start firing on the KELVIN again.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Holy shit, let me just set the autopilot to "ram" and I'm outta here.

AUTO-PILOT

I'm damaged enough to not be able to fly in a straight line, but not so damaged that I can't warn you of a collision course. This isn't contrived at all.

JENNIFER MORRISON

I'm fucking giving birth, you fucker. Where the fuck are you?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Be right there, honey. By the way, what should we name our son?

JENNIFER MORRISON

How about Tiberius?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Pish, Tiberius sucks.

TREKKIES

WHAT

CHRIS HEMSWORTH flies the Kelvin into ERIC's ship. The scene ends quickly, before we start wondering why the slightly damaged Romulan ship doesn't start firing on the escape pods.

EXT. IOWA, EIGHT YEARS LATER

GREG GRUNBERG

YOUNG CHRIS PINE, why do you have to be so REBELLIOUS?

NOKIA PRODUCT PLACEMENT

I'm obnoxious!

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

Because I'm a REBEL, man. Speaking of fucking the system, I'm going to drive your car into a canyon.

GREG GUNBERG

A canyon in the middle of Iowa? Has J.J. ABRAMS ever actually been there?

DIRECTOR J.J. ABRAMS

Iowa's near Arizona, right?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

I hope the audience is enjoying watching me dangle from a cliff by my fingertips, because they're going to be seeing a lot of it.

EXT. VULCAN

VULCAN BULLIES

We're amusingly erudite.

YOUNG ZACHARY QUINTO

I'm a badass.

WINONA RYDER

I get, like, two lines of dialogue before dying. And apparently the Vulcans are fine with a human on their high council, which is supposed to represent the best of Vulcan culture.

INT. BAR, 17 YEARS LATER

STEREOTYPICALLY BRASH YOUTH CHRIS PINE has grown up to be STEREOTYPICALLY BRASH TWENTY-SOMETHING CHRIS PINE, who, when he isn't committing petty crime, hits on women in bars.

CHRIS PINE

Are those moon pants? Because that ass is out of this world!

ZOE SALDANA

Har har har, fuck off, hayseed. I prefer my men pointy eared and coldly rational.

CHRIS PINE

Hey baby, James T. Kirk is known for his rationality!

JASON MATTHEW SMITH and the GOONS

Hitting on a fellow cadet? Time for an ass beating.

CHRIS PINE

Pish, I can take all four of you.

WRONG.

ZOE SALDANA

Quit it guys, you're getting hick blood all over my uniform.

CAPTAIN BRUCE GREENWOOD walks in and saves CHRIS's dumb ass.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

CHRIS, you should enlist. Starfleet needs more wildly overconfident hotheaded alpha male rebels. Plus, your test scores were amazing.

BRUCE looks directly at the AUDIENCE.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

CHRIS is smart.

AUDIENCE

Ha ha, sure.

CHRIS PINE

Enlist? Burn you, man! I'm a REBEL.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

(burned)

C'mon, enlist!

CHRIS PINE

No!

(pause)

Still no!

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Fine, I dare you.

CHRIS PINE

Gasp! How dare you dare me!

BRUCE GREENWOOD

I double dog dare you to join starfleet!

CHRIS PINE

Fine! I'll enlist, not for the good of humanity, and not because I want to do something with my life, but because some guy dared me to.

KARL URBAN

I'm gonna awkwardly contort my dialogue as to say my nickname.

CHRIS PINE

Sure thing, bro-ones.

INT. STARFLEET COURT MARSHAL, THREE YEARS LATER.

TYLER PERRY

You hecka cheated on the Kobayashi Maru scenario, cracker.

CHRIS PINE

I don't believe in losing.

ZACHARY QUINTO

That's your justification? "I don't like losing"?

CHRIS PINE

I don't BELIEVE in losing, pointy-ears. That's WAY more noble.

TYLER PERRY

Apparently Vulcan is being attacked. They managed to send out a distress signal, but not a description of the attacking ship, since that would have fucked up the next scene. In response, we're mobilizing the entire fleet, and staffing them near entirely with cadets. Except for CHRIS PINE, though, because he sucks.

CHRIS PINE

Aww!

KARL URBAN

Don't worry, I'll sneak you onboard the Enterprise by infecting you with some space-parasites that we apparently keep around in this hypospray.

CHRIS PINE

Don't hypospray me, bro-nes!

HILARITY ENSUES.

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

KARL URBAN

Apparently Vulcan is being attacked by a lightning storm in space.

CHRIS PINE

Lightning storm in space? It must be the same ship that destroyed the Kelvin!

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Makes sense.

(pause)

In fact, it's so obvious that it makes you wonder why absolutely nobody else figured it out. Anyway, even though I know full well that I'm warping into a trap, I'm just going to raise shields, rather than not, you know, walking directly into a trap.

Surprise! It's a trap.

ERIC BANA

Despite having just obliterated a planetary garrison and every Starfleet vessel in range, I'm going to go ahead and disable the Enterprise with trivial ease. In fact, I'm going to have to go out of my way to prevent destroying the flagship of Starfleet. Apparently weapons technology has not only stagnated over the last 25 years, but gotten significantly worse. Good thing nobody tried ramming me this time. Anyway, I want your captain for a bit of torture and some light paralyzing.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

ZACH, you're in command. CHRIS, you're his first officer.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Wow, that's a bad idea.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

CHRIS, I want you and JOHN CHO, as well as a literal redshirt, to go down and blow up that drill thing.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Rather than shoot it with a torpedo or something, we have to risk the lives of the first officer, the pilot, and the chief engineer?

CHRIS PINE

I hope I get to dangle from something by my fingertips!

EXT. PLASMA DRILL

The REDSHIRT dies, CHRIS loses a fight, and ends up dangling from the edge of the drill by his fingertips.

ROMULAN MOOK

I am finding it surprisingly difficult to stomp on some hands.

JOHN pulls out a PREPOSTEROUS FOLDING SWORD, and chops up the MOOKS.

ROMULAN MOOK

Origami swords, my only weakness! How did you know?

(dies)

They blow up the drill in a couple of seconds with a pair of hand weapons, a feat the military of an ENTIRE PLANET was unable to replicate.

EXT. HIGH ABOVE VULCAN

ERIC BANA

Awright, it's time to collapse some planets. Go grab some "red matter".

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

What the hell is this stuff, anyway? It's obviously not a pliable singularity, since a droplet a millimeter in radius would mass 6.811x10^23 kilograms, and even if it was, it's still only a millimeter in radius, and wouldn't be able to entrain matter as quickly as it does.

ERIC BANA

It's made of pure plotdevicinum.

The ROMULIANS huck the red matter into the hole.

CHRIS PINE

Well shit, time to get the fuck out of here.

JOHN CHO

Why do they have to drill a hole for the singularity? And how are they managing to bore a hole in liquid rock?

DIRECTOR J.J. ABRAMS

Shut up, NERD.

The red matter starts fucking up Vulcan. ZACHARY saves his dad and some random extras, but not his mom. Vulcan is eaten by a black hole, with a complete absence of radiation from the accretion disk, since black holes are MAGICAL.

ZACHARY QUINTO

With the destruction of Vulcan, Vulcans are now an endangered species, with only 10,000 individuals remaining. Guess not having any colonies was a bad idea.

ZOE SALDANA

Planet destroyed, mother dead? Sounds like a good time to awkwardly half make-out.

They DO THAT. The AUDIENCE shift uncomfortably in their seats.

ZACHARY QUINTO

All right, let's hang out here and wait for the rest of the fleet to show up.

CHRIS PINE

I disagree. Let's pointlessly chase after ERIC BANA, even though it's been established that we have no hope of defeating him in combat.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Hey, it just occurred to me that I can throw you off the ship, now. Security, grab him.

JASON MATTHEW SMITH

Apparently we just hang out on the bridge all day, waiting for bridge staff to disagree with the captain.

CHRIS PINE

I really must insist!

CHRIS wins a fight for once!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Sigh. Must I do everything around here?

ZACHARY uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH on CHRIS, preserving CHRIS's perfect .000 average.

EXT. SURFACE OF DELTA VEGA

ESCAPE POD

ZACHARY totally stranded you here, because he's a total dick. Also: if you go outside you will die.

CHRIS PINE

Whatever, I do what I want!

CHRIS goes outside and is almost immediately attacked by a TAUN-TAUN.

CHRIS PINE

Holy shit, this WAS a bad idea!

The TAUN-TAUN is killed by MINI-CLOVERFIELD, who immediately starts chasing CHRIS, because that's how apex predators behave.

J.J. ABRAMS

We saved tons of money by reusing the CLOVERFIELD model!

AUDIENCE

Wait, what the fuck is the cloverfield monster doing here?

LEONARD NIMOY shows up and chases off MINI-CLOVERFIELD with a torch.

CHRIS PINE

Holy shit, Spock, you look like you're a hundred years old. How long was I out?

LEONARD NIMOY

Let me explain the plot to you, because everyone knows infodumps are the best way of delivering exposition. 128 years in the future, we predicted that the sun of Romulus was going to go supernova, somehow. We planned on collapsing it into a black hole, but we fucked up and didn't manage to collapse the star before Romulus was destroyed. Both me and ERIC BANA were sucked into the black hole, ERIC was sent back in time 153 years, and ended up just outside Sol, because black holes are plot sensitive. He destroyed the Kelvin, then hung out by Vulcan for 25 years until I showed up, and which point he stuck me here and blew up Vulcan. Now he's heading to Earth to blow it up too.

CHRIS PINE

Let me get this straight. The G-class star, which is too small to supernova, was collapsed into a black hole, which didn't emit any accretion disk radiation, but not before destroying Romulus. The black hole managed to suck you in, even though it couldn't have any more mass than the star it had eaten, which you were already in a stable orbit around. Then, after destroying the Kelvin, he just waited for 25 years, until you showed up?

LEONARD NIMOY

Sure, whatever, no time for chit-chat, we've got to get to the federation outpost that I knew about, but never bothered going to. By the way, we're good friends. Really, really good friends. Have I mentioned what good friends we are?

CHRIS PINE

Uhh...

FANFIC WRITERS

Tell us more.

INT. FEDERATION OUTPOST

SIMON PEGG

You blokes got anything to eat? Sandwich? Cornetto?

LEONARD NIMOY

Here's an equation that'll let you transport onto a ship in warp, several light years away.

SIMON PEGG

Wow, how convenient. I'm sure this won't introduce any plot holes.

CHRIS PINE

Where the hell are all the Vulcans? Judging from how big Vulcan is in the sky, we can only be a couple of million kilometers away, yet the only settlement on the planet is staffed by a human and a midget?

LENOARD NIMOY

By the way, I'm not coming, since our FRIENDSHIP is more important than the lives of everyone on Earth.

NICK FROST

Gayyyyy.

NICK and SIMON high-five. The AUTHOR wonders if this joke is too obscure.

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

CHRIS and SIMON beam aboard the Enterprise, and after some slapstick, are caught and brought up to the bridge.

CHRIS PINE

You're totally emotionally compromised, dude.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Nuh-uh.

CHRIS PINE

Yuh-uh.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Nuh-UH.

CHRIS PINE

Yeah, well, your mom's dead!

ZACHARY QUNITO

Dick!

SIMON PEGG

(to ZACH)

Your mum's dead? Ach, that's tough. My mum's dead too. Got bit by a zombie.

ZACH starts beating the ever loving crap out of CHRIS.

CHRIS PINE

Why is it that I can never start a fight that I can win?

BEN CROSS

ZACH, you know you're not supposed to hit girls.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Fine, I relieve myself of command.

CHRIS PINE

Awesome, I'm captain.

(pause)

Now what?

SIMON PEGG

How about we go to the Winchester?

ANTON YELCHIN

Eef ve are coming out ov warps in Tetons ahtmozphere, ve Romulans can not ve detecting us.

CHRIS PINE

Wow, you look like a teenager.

ANTON YELCHIN

I AM a teenagers.

CHRIS PINE

What's the average age of my bridge staff, 15?

SIMON PEGG

Wait, if we can transport stuff into ships traveling at warp, why don't we just pop a couple of photon torpedos into the engine room of ERIC's ship? We can even transport BRUCE off first, since he's still wearing his badge.

CHRIS PINE

Naw, bro, I like ANTON's plan better, since it involves me being heroic.

ZACHARY QUINTO

I'm coming too, for some reason.

INT. Romulan ship.

ZACH and CHRIS mow down a couple hundred mooks. ZACH steals the Vulcan black-hole-ship, while CHRIS saves BRUCE.

CHRIS then unwisely picks a fight with ERIC's XO. Ass kicking ensues.

CLIFTON COLLINS JR.

GORR I CHOKE YOU.

Despite being suspended in the air by his trachea, CHRIS uses the power of the one liner to speak.

CHRIS PINE

I got your gun!

After being shot, CLIFTON drops him, allowing CHRIS to exercise his cliff dangling core competency.

CHRIS wins a fight! By cheating! Knowing not to push his luck, he and BRUCE beam out.

ZACH easily destroys the plasma drill, something that the united militaries of Earth apparently found impossible, then flies the red matter ship into ERIC's ship, creating a singularity which begins to consume it.

CHRIS PINE

Hey, we'll totally save you.

ERIC BANA

Fuck off.

JOHN CHO

The black hole's sucking us in!

ZACHARY QUINTO

How? It couldn't have any more mass than the ship it just ate.

SIMON PEGG

If we dump the warp cores into it, they'll seal it off, because black holes and warp cores are opposite types of magic, which totally cancel each other out.

(pause)

Shaun Of The Dead reference.

They do that. It works!

INT. STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS

TYLER PERRY

Since we promoted BRUCE to Admiral for displaying extreme stupidity in the face of danger, I guess we better make you Captain.

CHRIS PINE

Awesome. Thanks, brotel rwanda.

TYLER PERRY

Okay, never mind.

END