INT. USS KELVIN
The SUN shines through the viewscreen, which is apparently an actual window opening out onto space. DIRECTOR JJ ABRAMS takes this opportunity to inflict some massively overdone lens flare on the AUDIENCE.
Oh jeez, whoops.
The cameraman puts the matte box back on the lens.
Uh, we've already shot everything else. Can we re-shoot the entire movie?
DIRECTOR JJ ABRAMS
Eh, I'll just call it an "artistic decision".
Ah, that's better. All right, there's apparently a "lightning storm in space". Let's check this shit out, since anomalies in star trek are never ever dangerous.
A "lightning storm in space"? How would that even work? What would the lightning be striking, precisely?
A ship emerges from the lightning storm, and completely FUCKS UP the Kelvin's SHIT.
Resistance is futile. Ha ha, I've always wanted to say that. Seriously, though, we want your captain, so we can kill him.
Wow, this is a bad idea.
Don't be a pussy, this guy seems legit.
INT. ROMULAN MINING SHIP
Where is Ambassador Spock?
ERIC stabs him with a handy spear-halberd-thing that Romulans apparently keep on their bridge.
Nice impulse control, jerk.
INT. USS KELVIN
The ROMULANS start firing on the KELVIN again.
Holy shit, let me just set the autopilot to "ram" and I'm outta here.
I'm damaged enough to not be able to fly in a straight line, but not so damaged that I can't warn you of a collision course. This isn't contrived at all.
I'm fucking giving birth, you fucker. Where the fuck are you?
Be right there, honey. By the way, what should we name our son?
How about Tiberius?
Pish, Tiberius sucks.
CHRIS HEMSWORTH flies the Kelvin into ERIC's ship. The scene ends quickly, before we start wondering why the slightly damaged Romulan ship doesn't start firing on the escape pods.
EXT. IOWA, EIGHT YEARS LATER
YOUNG CHRIS PINE, why do you have to be so REBELLIOUS?
NOKIA PRODUCT PLACEMENT
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
Because I'm a REBEL, man. Speaking of fucking the system, I'm going to drive your car into a canyon.
A canyon in the middle of Iowa? Has J.J. ABRAMS ever actually been there?
DIRECTOR J.J. ABRAMS
Iowa's near Arizona, right?
YOUNG CHRIS PINE
I hope the audience is enjoying watching me dangle from a cliff by my fingertips, because they're going to be seeing a lot of it.
We're amusingly erudite.
YOUNG ZACHARY QUINTO
I'm a badass.
I get, like, two lines of dialogue before dying. And apparently the Vulcans are fine with a human on their high council, which is supposed to represent the best of Vulcan culture.
INT. BAR, 17 YEARS LATER
STEREOTYPICALLY BRASH YOUTH CHRIS PINE has grown up to be STEREOTYPICALLY BRASH TWENTY-SOMETHING CHRIS PINE, who, when he isn't committing petty crime, hits on women in bars.
Are those moon pants? Because that ass is out of this world!
Har har har, fuck off, hayseed. I prefer my men pointy eared and coldly rational.
Hey baby, James T. Kirk is known for his rationality!
JASON MATTHEW SMITH and the GOONS
Hitting on a fellow cadet? Time for an ass beating.
Pish, I can take all four of you.
Quit it guys, you're getting hick blood all over my uniform.
CAPTAIN BRUCE GREENWOOD walks in and saves CHRIS's dumb ass.
CHRIS, you should enlist. Starfleet needs more wildly overconfident hotheaded alpha male rebels. Plus, your test scores were amazing.
BRUCE looks directly at the AUDIENCE.
CHRIS is smart.
Ha ha, sure.
Enlist? Burn you, man! I'm a REBEL.
Fine, I dare you.
Gasp! How dare you dare me!
I double dog dare you to join starfleet!
Fine! I'll enlist, not for the good of humanity, and not because I want to do something with my life, but because some guy dared me to.
I'm gonna awkwardly contort my dialogue as to say my nickname.
Sure thing, bro-ones.
INT. STARFLEET COURT MARSHAL, THREE YEARS LATER.
You hecka cheated on the Kobayashi Maru scenario, cracker.
I don't believe in losing.
That's your justification? "I don't like losing"?
I don't BELIEVE in losing, pointy-ears. That's WAY more noble.
Apparently Vulcan is being attacked. They managed to send out a distress signal, but not a description of the attacking ship, since that would have fucked up the next scene. In response, we're mobilizing the entire fleet, and staffing them near entirely with cadets. Except for CHRIS PINE, though, because he sucks.
Don't worry, I'll sneak you onboard the Enterprise by infecting you with some space-parasites that we apparently keep around in this hypospray.
Don't hypospray me, bro-nes!
INT. USS ENTERPRISE
Apparently Vulcan is being attacked by a lightning storm in space.
Lightning storm in space? It must be the same ship that destroyed the Kelvin!
In fact, it's so obvious that it makes you wonder why absolutely nobody else figured it out. Anyway, even though I know full well that I'm warping into a trap, I'm just going to raise shields, rather than not, you know, walking directly into a trap.
Surprise! It's a trap.
Despite having just obliterated a planetary garrison and every Starfleet vessel in range, I'm going to go ahead and disable the Enterprise with trivial ease. In fact, I'm going to have to go out of my way to prevent destroying the flagship of Starfleet. Apparently weapons technology has not only stagnated over the last 25 years, but gotten significantly worse. Good thing nobody tried ramming me this time. Anyway, I want your captain for a bit of torture and some light paralyzing.
ZACH, you're in command. CHRIS, you're his first officer.
Wow, that's a bad idea.
CHRIS, I want you and JOHN CHO, as well as a literal redshirt, to go down and blow up that drill thing.
Rather than shoot it with a torpedo or something, we have to risk the lives of the first officer, the pilot, and the chief engineer?
I hope I get to dangle from something by my fingertips!
EXT. PLASMA DRILL
The REDSHIRT dies, CHRIS loses a fight, and ends up dangling from the edge of the drill by his fingertips.
I am finding it surprisingly difficult to stomp on some hands.
JOHN pulls out a PREPOSTEROUS FOLDING SWORD, and chops up the MOOKS.
Origami swords, my only weakness! How did you know?
They blow up the drill in a couple of seconds with a pair of hand weapons, a feat the military of an ENTIRE PLANET was unable to replicate.
EXT. HIGH ABOVE VULCAN
Awright, it's time to collapse some planets. Go grab some "red matter".
CLIFTON COLLINS JR.
What the hell is this stuff, anyway? It's obviously not a pliable singularity, since a droplet a millimeter in radius would mass 6.811x10^23 kilograms, and even if it was, it's still only a millimeter in radius, and wouldn't be able to entrain matter as quickly as it does.
It's made of pure plotdevicinum.
The ROMULIANS huck the red matter into the hole.
Well shit, time to get the fuck out of here.
Why do they have to drill a hole for the singularity? And how are they managing to bore a hole in liquid rock?
DIRECTOR J.J. ABRAMS
Shut up, NERD.
The red matter starts fucking up Vulcan. ZACHARY saves his dad and some random extras, but not his mom. Vulcan is eaten by a black hole, with a complete absence of radiation from the accretion disk, since black holes are MAGICAL.
With the destruction of Vulcan, Vulcans are now an endangered species, with only 10,000 individuals remaining. Guess not having any colonies was a bad idea.
Planet destroyed, mother dead? Sounds like a good time to awkwardly half make-out.
They DO THAT. The AUDIENCE shift uncomfortably in their seats.
All right, let's hang out here and wait for the rest of the fleet to show up.
I disagree. Let's pointlessly chase after ERIC BANA, even though it's been established that we have no hope of defeating him in combat.
Hey, it just occurred to me that I can throw you off the ship, now. Security, grab him.
JASON MATTHEW SMITH
Apparently we just hang out on the bridge all day, waiting for bridge staff to disagree with the captain.
I really must insist!
CHRIS wins a fight for once!
Sigh. Must I do everything around here?
ZACHARY uses the VULCAN NERVE PINCH on CHRIS, preserving CHRIS's perfect .000 average.
EXT. SURFACE OF DELTA VEGA
ZACHARY totally stranded you here, because he's a total dick. Also: if you go outside you will die.
Whatever, I do what I want!
CHRIS goes outside and is almost immediately attacked by a TAUN-TAUN.
Holy shit, this WAS a bad idea!
The TAUN-TAUN is killed by MINI-CLOVERFIELD, who immediately starts chasing CHRIS, because that's how apex predators behave.
We saved tons of money by reusing the CLOVERFIELD model!
Wait, what the fuck is the cloverfield monster doing here?
LEONARD NIMOY shows up and chases off MINI-CLOVERFIELD with a torch.
Holy shit, Spock, you look like you're a hundred years old. How long was I out?
Let me explain the plot to you, because everyone knows infodumps are the best way of delivering exposition. 128 years in the future, we predicted that the sun of Romulus was going to go supernova, somehow. We planned on collapsing it into a black hole, but we fucked up and didn't manage to collapse the star before Romulus was destroyed. Both me and ERIC BANA were sucked into the black hole, ERIC was sent back in time 153 years, and ended up just outside Sol, because black holes are plot sensitive. He destroyed the Kelvin, then hung out by Vulcan for 25 years until I showed up, and which point he stuck me here and blew up Vulcan. Now he's heading to Earth to blow it up too.
Let me get this straight. The G-class star, which is too small to supernova, was collapsed into a black hole, which didn't emit any accretion disk radiation, but not before destroying Romulus. The black hole managed to suck you in, even though it couldn't have any more mass than the star it had eaten, which you were already in a stable orbit around. Then, after destroying the Kelvin, he just waited for 25 years, until you showed up?
Sure, whatever, no time for chit-chat, we've got to get to the federation outpost that I knew about, but never bothered going to. By the way, we're good friends. Really, really good friends. Have I mentioned what good friends we are?
Tell us more.
INT. FEDERATION OUTPOST
You blokes got anything to eat? Sandwich? Cornetto?
Here's an equation that'll let you transport onto a ship in warp, several light years away.
Wow, how convenient. I'm sure this won't introduce any plot holes.
Where the hell are all the Vulcans? Judging from how big Vulcan is in the sky, we can only be a couple of million kilometers away, yet the only settlement on the planet is staffed by a human and a midget?
By the way, I'm not coming, since our FRIENDSHIP is more important than the lives of everyone on Earth.
NICK and SIMON high-five. The AUTHOR wonders if this joke is too obscure.
INT. USS ENTERPRISE
CHRIS and SIMON beam aboard the Enterprise, and after some slapstick, are caught and brought up to the bridge.
You're totally emotionally compromised, dude.
Yeah, well, your mom's dead!
Your mum's dead? Ach, that's tough. My mum's dead too. Got bit by a zombie.
ZACH starts beating the ever loving crap out of CHRIS.
Why is it that I can never start a fight that I can win?
ZACH, you know you're not supposed to hit girls.
Fine, I relieve myself of command.
Awesome, I'm captain.
How about we go to the Winchester?
Eef ve are coming out ov warps in Tetons ahtmozphere, ve Romulans can not ve detecting us.
Wow, you look like a teenager.
I AM a teenagers.
What's the average age of my bridge staff, 15?
Wait, if we can transport stuff into ships traveling at warp, why don't we just pop a couple of photon torpedos into the engine room of ERIC's ship? We can even transport BRUCE off first, since he's still wearing his badge.
Naw, bro, I like ANTON's plan better, since it involves me being heroic.
I'm coming too, for some reason.
INT. Romulan ship.
ZACH and CHRIS mow down a couple hundred mooks. ZACH steals the Vulcan black-hole-ship, while CHRIS saves BRUCE.
CHRIS then unwisely picks a fight with ERIC's XO. Ass kicking ensues.
CLIFTON COLLINS JR.
GORR I CHOKE YOU.
Despite being suspended in the air by his trachea, CHRIS uses the power of the one liner to speak.
I got your gun!
After being shot, CLIFTON drops him, allowing CHRIS to exercise his cliff dangling core competency.
CHRIS wins a fight! By cheating! Knowing not to push his luck, he and BRUCE beam out.
ZACH easily destroys the plasma drill, something that the united militaries of Earth apparently found impossible, then flies the red matter ship into ERIC's ship, creating a singularity which begins to consume it.
Hey, we'll totally save you.
The black hole's sucking us in!
How? It couldn't have any more mass than the ship it just ate.
If we dump the warp cores into it, they'll seal it off, because black holes and warp cores are opposite types of magic, which totally cancel each other out.
Shaun Of The Dead reference.
They do that. It works!
INT. STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS
Since we promoted BRUCE to Admiral for displaying extreme stupidity in the face of danger, I guess we better make you Captain.
Awesome. Thanks, brotel rwanda.
Okay, never mind.