FADE IN:

EXT. 2003 JOHANNESBURG

SHARLTO COPLEY

I'm a incredibly racist, fairly stupid, petty bureaucrat! Also, the hero of this movie.

SHARLTO is assigned to relocate an alien shantytown to a slightly different shantytown, outside of the city, so white people don't have to look at it. He does so in an utterly immoral way, because he's kind of a dick.

SHARLTO COPLEY

I don't see why everyone makes such a big deal about calling the aliens "prawns". I mean, they totally look like prawns! Just like how black people look like subhuman animals who should be enslaved for their own good.

DIRECTOR NEILL BLOMKAMP

SOCIAL COMMENTARY.

AUDIENCE

What are you talking about? They don't look anything like the aquatic decapod.

DIRECTOR NEILL BLOMKAMP

It's actually a reference to Libanasidus vittatus, the "Parktown prawn", a type of large cricket native to South Africa that's something like a jumping cockroach. We used a confusing colloquialism from a country with less people in it than Myanmar, because seriously, fuck the rest of the world.

SHARLTO and co pass inexplicably wheelchair-bound Nigerian mob-boss EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA.

EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA

Mwa ha ha.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Don't fuck with that guy. He's a total badass! Even I, with my army of mercenaries and fleet of helicopter gunships can do nothing, for... some reason.

The NIGERIANS scam the PRAWNS out of cat food.

AUDIENCE

Ha ha! It's funny, because Nigerians are all criminals!

The movie helpfully subtitles the dialogue of black characters, despite SHARLTO's equally hilarious accent.

AUDIENCE

Why are only black people subtitled?

DIRECTOR NEILL BLOMKAMP

Because their patois is incomprehensible to the more refined ears of the higher races. I mean, uh, racism is bad!

They come across ALIEN JASON COPE and friends refining PLOTIUM from PLOTIUM ORE and generally acting as suspicious as humanly possible. Alienly possible. Prawnly possible. Listen, I don't know, whatever.

One of ALIEN JASON COPE's friends makes a terminal mistake of kicking SHARLTO COPLEY. The audience cheers. DAVID JAMES does not.

DAVID JAMES

Bwa haw haw, I am beyond evil. Watch me kill this alien that had viciously attacked a human!

WILLIAM ALLEN YOUNG

You sure you don't want to wear a face mask?

SHARLTO COPLEY

Naw, face masks are for pussies.

SHARLTO is promptly sprayed in the face with the PLOTINUM.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Gosh, I hope this doesn't turn me into an alien or anything.

INT. SHARLTO'S PROMOTION PARTY

EVIL CORPORATE EXECUTIVE

Sharlto, way too many aliens died today. You fuck this up any worse, and you're fired.

SHARLTO COPLEY

I don't quite get why NEILL is playing this like you're the asshole, you seem to be the only person in the movie who cares about the deaths of aliens.

SHARLTO vomits all over his cake while cutting it, then passes out.

INT. HOSPITAL

DOCTOR

Good news! Your arm is turning into an alien claw.

SHARLTO COPLEY

This seems like the sort of thing that would kill me, rather than make me very slightly sick.

EVIL CORPORATE EXECUTIVES

Wait, if he's turning into an alien, does that mean he can operate alien weapons?

They test SHARLTO on an array of alien weapons, which all work. Then then proceed to test them on series of targets, culminating in an ALIEN, presumably because they were all out of adorable orphans and puppies with hurt paws.

SHARLTO expresses great dismay at being forced to murder a thinking being, and comes to see the ALIENS as equals to HUMANS. Ha ha, just kidding, that would make him a sympathetic character.

EVIL CORPORATE EXECUTIVES

Once we reverse engineer SHARLTO, we'll be incredibly rich. Rich!

(They CACKLE and twirl their MUSTACHES.)

And by "reverse engineer" we mean "dissect".

INT. SURGERY ROOM

NURSE

Wait, we aren't anesthetizing him? At all?

DOCTOR

But how would he effect his inevitable escape? Hold on a minute, while I dramatically brandish this angle grinder, mwa ha ha ha.

SHARLTO escapes! Inevitably!

EXT. JOHANNESBURG

SHARLTO wanders around for a while until it finally occurs to him that asking the alien who had the PLOTIUM what the hell is going on might be a good idea. He DOES THAT, but first, some comedy involving cat food.

EXT. DISTRICT 9

ALIEN JASON COPE

Oh my, it's you again. I do say, what a surprise. I see you are having a little issue with your arm.

SHARLTO COPLEY

It kinda undermines NEILL's "racism" message when you are apparently the only prawn that is at all articulate, and all the rest are thieving dirtbags.

ALIEN JASON COPE

I need the PLOTINUM to turn you back into a human, and also to fly the command module back to the mothership.

SHARLTO COPLEY

But MNU took it from me after I was captured. I guess we'll have to break in and take it from them.

ALIEN JASON COPE

We'll need guns, lots of them.

SHARLTO COPLEY

The NIGERIANS have guns.

ALIEN JASON COPE

Are you stupid? Well, yeah, I mean; are you suicidal?

SHARLTO COPLEY

As members of the underclass, I'm sure they'll willingly follow my orders.

SHARLTO stupidly walks into the DEN OF VILLAINY, and is instantly captured.

EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA

Mmm, that arm looks like some mighty fine eating.

SHARLTO grabs the MICROWAVE GUN FROM DUKE NUKEM and menaces EUGENE with it until they give him a duffel bag full of alien weaponry. They let him walk out, for some reason.

They TELEPORT into downtown Johannesburg and break into MNU headquarters. The next ten minutes is SHARLTO hilariously running around like an action hero.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Good thing MNU left my access permissions in place, or else this wouldn't have worked at all!

ALIEN JASON COPE

Considering how overwhelmingly powerful our weapons seem to be, you really have to wonder how we're so marginalized.

SHARLTO gets shot right in the bulletproof vest by a MNU mercenary, and in return, vaporizes him.

ALIEN JASON COPE

I thought you said no killing? Also, where did you get a bulletproof vest? You came to District 9 in literal rags, and I really doubt the Nigerians would have been nice enough to throw in body armor.

SHARLTO COPLEY

As for the first objection, dude shot me first. As for the second, hey look, it's the plotinum!

DAVID JAMES and the GOONS chooses this moment to show up and begin firing at them. SHARLTO takes cover, while JASON stands entranced by the sight of a mutilated alien corpse.

ALIEN JASON COPE

My god, the humans, they're assholes! I must tell the world!

SHARLTO COPLEY

Wow, that took you a while. Also: you don't feel like taking cover, or anything?

ALIEN JASON COPE

Naw, it's cool, I have to pilot the command module up to the ship at the movie. Until then, I can't be shot.

They mosey out the back door, steal a car, and teleport back to district 9.

DAVID JAMES

Oh yeah, "surround them", I knew there was something I was forgetting. Oh well, better chase after them. Backup? Who needs that?

EXT. DISTRICT 9

SHARLTO COPLEY

All right, we've got the plotinum, we're back at the command module, now what?

ALIEN JASON COPE

Now I hop in my ship and head back to the homeworld. See you in three years, sucker.

SHARLTO COPLEY

That wasn't the deal!

ALIEN JASON COPE

I have altered the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Allow me to express my disagreement.

SHARLTO smashes JASON in the back of the head with a computer case, and hijacks the module.

ALIEN JASON COPE

You're not really helping humanity's reputation, here. Also: where the fuck are you going to go? Are you planning on reversing the transformation process all by yourself? And how the hell are you managing to fly that?

SHARLTO COPLEY

(taking off)

Don't worry, I'm an expert pilot.

ALIEN JASON COPE

Wrong movie.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Whoops.

He gets SHOT DOWN. DAVID shows up and captures SHARLTO.

DAVID JAMES

Golly, that was easy.

The NIGERIAN MOTHERFUCKERS ambush DAVID's convey, and begin blowing shit UP.

DAVID JAMES

Oh no, Nigerians! If only I went in here with more than ten guys.

They grab SHARLTO and take him back to EUGENE.

INT. NIGERIAN HIDEOUT

EUGENE KHUMBANYIWA

Seriously, I'm totally going to eat that arm.

The PRAWN KID activates the MOTHERSHIP from the CRASHED COMMAND MODULE, while staring soulfully at the camera, activating CHEKHOV's MECH. Apparently programmed to kill anything that isn't an alien, it promptly reduces the NIGERIANS to a fine mist.

MECH

Hop on in, fellow alien.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Naw, I think I'll pointlessly dither for a while first.

The MERCENARIES shoot at him for a while until he realizes that hanging out in here might not be the greatest idea, and gets inside.

MECH

Goliath on line.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Yeowch, the ergonomics of this thing are terrible. Wait, how did they get a mech down here, anyway? They sneak it on a helicopter, or what?

EXT. DISTRICT 9

SHARLTO proceeds to KILL EVERYONE. Half of the CGI budget is spent in this scene, and the screen is repeatedly spattered with blood. The AUTHOR looks around for his Xbox 360 controller so he can get behind a chest-high wall and wait for his health to regenerate.

The MERCENARIES, not usually known for exceptional bravery, continue to charge at the ALIEN DEATH MACHINE, and are subsequently MURDERED.

DAVID JAMES

Keep attacking, men! If we can clog up its joints with dead bodies, it might kill slightly fewer of us!

MERCENARY

You know what would be really handy right now? One of the helicopter gunships from the beginning of the movie.

(dies)

They assemble a 20mm rifle they apparently carry around in case of walking tank, and manage to get a few shots off before they are killed; slightly damaging the mech.

SHARLTO COPLEY

Whelp, time to leave.

MECH

Nope.

It ejects SHARLTO into a warzone, and dies. Things are looking bad. Suddenly, the PRAWNS collectively grow a backbone, and tear apart DAVID. ALIEN JASON COPE and SON hop on the MOTHERSHIP and leave, WILLIAM ALLEN YOUNG reveals that MNU is evil, to the astonishment of absolutely nobody, and SHARLTO COPLEY is completely transformed into an alien.

ALIEN SHARLTO COPLEY

Hold on! Wasn't JASON going to turn me back into--

THE END