FADE IN:
INT. CHURCH
EASTWOOD's UNGRATEFUL GRANDCHILDREN show up to their grandmother's funeral dressed in WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE CLOATHING.
DREAMA WALKER
Like, oh my gosh, this is so boring! And my phone, like, doesn't get any reception!
AUSTIN DOUGLAS SMITH
Haha, really? "Dreama"?
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
I hate children.
EASTWOOD's UNGRATEFUL SONS provide UNECESSISARY BACKGROUND.
BRIAN HALEY
Clint is old and bitter.
BRIAN HOWE
I am also named Brian.
One of the BRIANS drives off in his import SUV. The camera focuses on the tailgate, which incidently shows that the movie is set in DETROIT. This is UNEXPECTEDLY SUBTLE.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
What, you couldn't buy American?
AUDIENCE
So is this movie just going to be Clint Eastwood bitching about stuff?
INT. CLINT's HOUSE
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
Death sucks, but church is great! You should drop by sometime, you know, confess your sins.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Religion is for morons. Fuck off.
While chasing CHRIS from his house, CLINT is distracted by the lousy state of his ASIAN NEIGHBOR's yard.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
I hate gooks.
ASIAN THUGS
We're not too fond of you either. Hey BEE, go steal his car.
BEE VANG
I feel that I must point out at this time that my name is BEE.
CASTING DIRECTOR
I love wacky names!!!
INT. CLINT'S GARAGE
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily, holding a gun)
Gooks, stealing my car!
CLINT attempts to murder BEE, but fails. BEE runs the fuck AWAY.
EXT. BEE'S HOUSE
ASIAN THUGS
Well, you fucked that up. Let's go shoot some BLACK THUGS.
BEE VANG
Awesome, gang warfare. Just like in "Beat It", right?
BEE'S FAMILY
That video sucked!
BEE'S FAMILY and the ASIAN THUGS attempt to resolve their dispute through a surprisingly wussy slap-fight. CLINT is not amused.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily, holding a gun)
Get off my lawn.
TRAILER EDITOR
Now that's a line!
SUE LOR
You saved my brother! Despite acting entirely in your own interest, we'll treat you like a hero!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Seriously, my lawn. Get off of it.
EXT. STREET CORNER
SUE LOR and her USELESS WIGGER BOYFRIEND encounter some GENERIC BLACK THUGS.
BLACK THUGS
Grr, we're generic.
SUE LOR
Oh no! Black people! In Detroit! I am surprised, for some reason.
BLACK THUGS
What the fuck are you even doing here?
SUE LOR
Clint didn't think there were enough scenes of him pointing guns at people.
CLINT predictably shows up
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Grrr, I hate niggers.
USELESS WIGGER BOYFRIEND
Hey, I totally had it under control!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
They're not your bros, buddy.
USELESS WIGGER BOYFRIEND
I'm not your buddy, pal!
He goes back to CANADA.
SUE LOR
Let's awkwardly banter!
They DO SO.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Hey, you gooks are all right. I'll still call you gooks, though, since I'm a dick.
SUE LOR
Hey, you should be a surrogate father to my useless brother.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Sure, whatever.
CLINT coughs up BLOOD.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Well shit, that ain't a good sign.
INT. CLINIC
Young female asian doctor JULIA HO walks in.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
What happened to my old doctor, who was white, and thus better?
JULIA HO
He died! Just like you're going to!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Have we been watching the same movie? I really doubt that I'm going to live long enough to die of cancer.
INT. BARBER SHOP
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Alright, kid, time to learn how to talk like an American, that is, in an unbroken string of racist epithets. Allow us to demonstrate.
BARBER
Nigger spic beaner polack.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Eyetie chink kike... negro?
BARBER
I already used that one.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Whatever. Alright, kid, now you try.
BEE VANG
Nigger spic bean--
BARBER
I am shocked and appalled!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Jesus, kid! Only WHITE people get to be racist. As a member of the lower classes, you have to be polite.
AUDIENCE
Uh...
EXT. THE HARD STREETS OF DETROIT
BEE obtains a job through the magic of LYING.
ASIAN HOODLUMS
Not on OUR watch.
They completely fuck up BEE's SHIT.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
How about you guys stop being such dicks?
ASIAN HOODLUMS
We inexplicably tolerated your previous interference, but we draw the line at doing it twice!
They shoot the everloving HELL out of BEE's house, and rape his sister.
BEE VANG
Awright, let's kill these guys.
AUDIENCE
(looking at their watches)
Friggin' finally!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Sure thing. Hey, what's that in my basement?
BEE VANG
I don't see anythin--
(CLINT locks him in.)
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Ha ha, sucker!
BEE VANG
(picking bits of scenery out of his teeth)
Let me outta here!
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Who's the director, here? If anyone's going to die nobly, it'll be me!
EXT. HOODLUM HEADQUATERS
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
CLINT is about to drop the motherfucking bomb on this shit. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until they are all dead.
COPS
We really don't see a downside in letting CLINT kill these guys for us. Anyway, we're getting out of here, and you're coming with us.
CHRISTOPHER CARLEY
(being shoved into the cop car)
CLINT grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage!
EXT. HOODLUM HEADQUATERS - THAT NIGHT
CLINT pulls up outside the house.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Hey guys, what's going on?
AUDIENCE
Uh, I guess he's the distraction? Or something?
CLINT reaches into his coat for his lighter, and is perforated by gunfire. He slowly falls to the ground as sad music plays, blood staining his jacket.
AUDIENCE
What the hell?
The COPS come and arrest all the ASIAN HOODLUMS for blowing away a completely unarmed old man in front of dozens of witnesses.
BEE VANG
That was his plan? "Get killed"?
CLINT EASTWOOD
(squinting angrily)
Yep! Now where's my Oscar?
While the credits pay, CLINT, for some reason, sings.
CLINT EASTWOOD
(singing, presumably while squinting angrily)
Gran Toriiiiino, it was a cool caaaaaarrr, I got shooooooot by asaiiiiiins...
END