FADE IN:

EXT. FOREST MOON OF ENDOR

GIOVANNI RIBISI

(twirling his mustache)

I'm obsessed with profits above all else. The Na'vi live on a giant deposit of unobtainium, and I want it, no matter the cost, mwa ah ha ha.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

But that's their home! Displacing them just for money would be a WRONG THING that is also NOT GOOD.

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON

Exploiting natives for their resources is WRONG.

AUDIENCE

So, like Dune?

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON

No, like IRAQ and AFGHANISTAN.

AUDIENCE

No, I mean, the 1973 science fiction movie? Primitive humanoid natives of an alien planet, at war with a corrupt empire over natural resources? Thinly disguised allegory for the middle east?

DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON

Yeah, but MY aliens are completely blue, instead of just having blue eyes!

Over the course of about eight hours, with the explicit purpose of eventually betraying them, CGI SAM WORTHINGTON gradually integrates with the Na'vi, eventually gaining their trust, and the love of CGI ZOE SALDANA, who is apparently trying to corner the market on LOVE INTERESTS in POORLY WRITTEN SCI-FI MOVIES.

CGI ZOE SALDANA's FORBIDDEN ALIEN NIPPLES are concealed by CGI PASTIES at all times to preserve the movie's PG rating.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

One of the final tests of manhood is mind raping a flying lizard. You will know which one, because it will attempt to kill you in self defense.

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

Hooah!

CGI SAM brain-humps one of the lizards into submission.

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

(direct quote)

You're mine, now.

AUDIENCE

Creepy.

INT. HUMAN BASE

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Fuck it, this is taking too long. I'm just gonna take out FERN GULLY, uh, I mean, the HOMETREE.

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

Seriously, why bother? Why not mine the floating islands, with their mysteriously perpetual waterfalls, which have enough unobtainium in them to float in the moon's magnetic field?

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Uh, quick, scene change!

EXT. HOMETREE

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

You guys have got to get the fuck outta here. STEPHEN LANG is coming to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and last I heard, he was running low on gum.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

What, really? How long have you known they were going to do this?

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

Oh, the whole time. This was pretty much the plan all along. Sucker!

CGI ZOE SALDANA

Oh, that is so totes uncool. Unfriended!

The AMERICANS blow the ever loving fuck out of the tree.

STEPHEN LANG

I love the smell of burning alien in the morning.

MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ

This is moronic. Robotic airplanes are ubiqitous in 2010, but a hundred and fifty years later, people are still flying aircraft manually? And controlling robot suits from inside them? There's even teleoperated bulldozers in the movie! And why are we even using aircraft mounted weapons? We have a ANTIMATTER POWERED INTERSTELLAR SPACESHIP, and we're not using orbital weapons? A kilometer wide granite asteroid impacting at 15 meters per second will have a 77 kiloton explosive yield! Like a tactical nuclear weapon, but without the fallout, and without having to ship dozens of helicopters all the way from Earth.

(throws up her hands)

Fuck this. I quit.

Despite deserting in the middle of combat, MICHELLE is not SHOT.

SAM, having succeeded in betraying both sides, now decides to get back in the graces of the ones with sharp sticks, rather than the one with spaceships. This requires mind raping the BIG FLYING LIZARD, which is different from the regular flying lizard, in that it is big. And red.

EXT. TREE OF SOULS

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

Behold, I have tamed the BIG FLYING LIZARD.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

How the fuck did you manage that?

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

I'm the main character, I can't fail at anything.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

Except walking. Oh snap!

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

Since I have tamed the BIG FLYING LIZARD, you all have to obey me, and I say we ally with the other tribes to drive the humans out.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

Unite in the face of an external threat? Good thing we had a white person around to tell us what to do.

The Na'vi rally around the TREE OF SOULS. The question of what, exactly, 20,000 hunter-gatherers are eating is not raised.

INT. HUMAN BASE

STEPHEN LANG

The aliens are massing for an attack! Capability implies intent! It's us or them! Shock and awe! Fight terror with terror! Let's hit the TREE OF SOULS with a big bomb, that should knock out the planetary net whose existence I was doubting a couple scenes ago.

GIOVANNI RIBISI

Attacking a stationary target, with the intent of inflicting civilian casualties? Sounds like a job for high altitude strategic bombing.

STEPHEN LANG

Naw, instead, let's fly in low, where the natives can easily attack us. Also, let's use the orbital shuttle as a low-altitude ground attack plane.

GIOVANNI RIBISI

If the bomb is just a single pallet of explosives, why not deliver it with one of the pseudo-Ospreys, which are shown transporting shipping containers? And why use a pallet of explosives at all? The much larger Hometree was destroyed with unguided rockets by a much smaller fleet.

(pause)

Your incredibly stupid battleplan is giving me doubts, but I will remain silent, instead of ordering you to stop, for some reason.

STEPHEN LANG

I'm ordering a ground attack, so they can kill us on the ground, too! Hooah!

EXT. TREE OF SOULS

Finally, the climatic battle! First, the Na'vi are winning!

COLONIAL MARINE

If only we had made our armor out of ballistic kevlar, instead of spray painted styrofoam!

GUNSHIP PILOTS

If only we had used bulletproof glass for the cockpit windows, instead of spun sugar!

STEPHEN LANG

If only we had taken off and nuked the site from orbit!

SIGOURNEY WEAVER

It's the only way to be sure.

AUDIENCE

Where the hell did all of this equipment come from, anyway? Did they ship all the helicopters, mech suits, giant bulldozers and mining machines all the way from Earth?

Then the Na'vi are losing! All the side characters die at this point. Things look grim. Suddenly, every animal on the moon decides to start killing humans.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

Your prayers worked, SAM! The moon heard you!

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON

Really? I was literally praying. I thought we were fucked. It would have been nice if they had shown up slightly earlier, before everyone died.

(pause)

Wait, you literally have a psychic connection with every life form on the moon? Wouldn't that make it difficult to kill, and then eat, other sentient animals?

CGI ZOE SALDANA

It helps that we are titanic assholes. We delight in the suffering of others.

(pause)

TITANIC assholes. Get it?

STEPHEN LANG's helicopter is shot down! He survives the crash by punching the flames engulfing him into submission, then hops into a MECH SUIT.

CGI ZOE SALDANA

How do you manage to hold your breath for several minutes?

STEPHEN LANG

I'm STEPHEN LANG, and I can breathe in space. Uh, I mean, on Pandora.

(pause)

Just what the hell is in the air on Pandora? It's obviously not a low concentration contaminant, like hydrogen cyanide, which could be filtered out with unpowered respirator masks, but if the air pressure or partial pressure of oxygen was too low to sustain human life, then things wouldn't burn nearly as easily, native life certainly wouldn't use hemoglobin, and sound tranmitted through it would be pitched differently.

STEPHEN LANG discovers where SAM WORTHINGTON has been controlling his avatar. CGI SAM WORTHINGTON arrives just in time to prevent his actual body from being killed.

STEPHEN LANG

How does it feel to be a traitor to your entire species, SAM?

CGI SAM WORTHINGTON responds to this valid point by hissing, a totally human thing to do. CGI ZOE SALDANA responds by filling STEPHEN with arrows. The nerds in the audience are immediately reminded of that one scene in Fellowship Of The Ring.

The Na'vi win! They hold a rave to transfer SAM into his FURSONA, uh, I mean, his AVATAR. The humans retreat to Earth to prepare for the sequel, AVATARS: THIS TIME THE HUMANS KILL EVERYTHING.

THE END