2008/06/24 05:15:30

Review: "The Gaucho"

"The Gaucho" (1927) (movie) at the Paramount, June 23rd.

0, that's right, zero, nada, I hate this movie so god damn much, may it suck cocks in hell, forever out of five stars.

The movie is a pile of shit. Its crimes are legion, but topping the list is its rampant racism and hilariously prevalent misogyny. The characters are about as three-dimensional as a piece of paper, spend half their time praying, and in the ending scenes, crowd into a shrine to bow before YHWH and pledge to set up a theocracy based on the ten commandments. I am, of course, not kidding.

But hey, it's a crappy movie. It was the 20's, this is what they did, in between killing Germans and dying of the Spanish Flu.

But what's worse than the movie is the people who crowd into a theater to see the movie. Apparently, the only thing middle aged white women love more than watching dead people make bad movies is not shutting up for one fucking second for 117 god damn minutes. Painfully obvious plot twist? Cheer at the screen! Awkward, poorly choreographed stunt performed by an incompetent stunt man, and filmed by a blind, palsy-stricken moron! Cheer at the screen! Douglas Fairbanks looked at the camera? Wet your fucking panties, then cheer at the screen!

The whole thing was sponsored by Trader Joe's, of course, middle aged white woman's supermarket of choice. Because if you've got to choose between five different corporate multinationals, then you better go for the one with the stupidly crowded isles and the 200% markup.

The only thing dumber than all of this shit is the moron who gets suckered into watching a fucking silent movie by the promise of free tickets. There's a reason silent movies aren't made anymore! It's because they suck!

Fuck you all!

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