FADE IN:

There's a loud shooty intro sequence, establishing the characters and their "characterizations" for the audience members who didn't see the first movie, who can blame them.

INT. STARFLEET HQ

BRUCE GREENWOOD

PINE! The mayor's on my ass for that volcano stunt you pulled. You're a loose cannon that doesn't play by the rules! You're off the case! Hand in your gun and badge. And by that I mean I'm taking command of the Enterprise from you, but I'm appointing you the first officer, which means you would take command JUST IN CASE I DIED.

AUDIENCE

Wow. I wonder how long that's going to take.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Don't be silly. Why, if I died, CHRIS PINE would have a strong unambiguous motive to take revenge on my murderer, which would be terrible!

EXT. FUTURE LONDON

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH uses his magic genetically modified blood to save the life of the daughter of a Starfleet officer, who then obligingly carries a ring into an underground base. He drops it into a glass of water, which produces a FUCKHUGE EXPLOSION.

INT. STARFLEET HQ

CHRIS PINE

Wow, what was that ring made of, antimatter?

ZACHARY QUINTO

That would actually be cool and Star Trek-y, but the movie never actually says.

PETER WELLER

Shut up. The man we're looking for here is one BENDYDICK CUMBERBATCH, evil terrorist, but otherwise totally unremarkable. Shoot him on sight, and certainly don't talk to him or anything crazy like that.

CHRIS PINE

Holy fucking shit, Buckaroo, that's Khan Noonien Singh, world-famous genocidal madman! He started the Eugenics War, which resulted in World War Three! Six hundred million people died in nuclear fire! How is nobody else not instantly recognizing him?

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Khan who?

BETAMAX COBBLEPOT

Hi.

He shoots up the meeting room from a flying gunship. BRUCE dies! Everyone is very surprised.

CHRIS PINE

(inhaling deeply)

KAA-

ZACHARY QUINTO

No, not yet.

PETER WELLER

CHRIS! Your directives are: serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, and go kill that dude. We know he transported to the Klingon home planet, but we don't want to start a war, so here are 72 long range stealth photon torpedoes. Fly there, fire all the torpedoes, every single one, and fly back here.

(pause)

But don't look in them.

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

SIMON PEGG

I don't like these torpedoes, for some poorly defined reason. Taking them onboard could blow up the ship! Yes, the Enterprise really is that badly constructed, as we'll see.

CHRIS PINE

Holy shit, how old are you now? You look a cross between a melting snowman and a piece of beef jerky.

SIMON PEGG

(defensively)

Fourty three isn't that old...

CHRIS PINE

You're at least three times older than Chekov, the next most "senior" engineer. Scotty, I accept your resignation.

SIMON PEGG

(scottish-tinted gibberish)

He leaves.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Captain, I must agree with the Chief Engineer. Killing BANDERSNATCH SUGARLUMPS would be a violation of the core ethics that Starfleet was built upon. A reprisal killing would make us no better than the terrorists.

CHRIS PINE

Topical. Okay, fine, he'll stand trial.

EXT. NEUTRAL ZONE

CHRIS PINE and the MAIN CHARACTERS fly down to Klingon homeworld, where there are, shockingly, some Klingons. A series of hand-to-hand fights break out, even though the Klingons have spaceships, and can just obliterate them with shipboard artillery from one thousand feet. The humans win!

BINDLEBONG CUTTLEFISH

I surrender, mwa ha ha.

CHRIS PINE

Okay.

CHRIS punches him! He is visibly unaffected. He punches him again! Nothing happens. He kicks him! Nope.

CHRIS PINE

Hmm, maybe if I punch him another couple dozen times...

AUDIENCE

We get it, he's tough.

INT. USS ENTERPRISE

ANTON YELCHIN

Captain! We've got a coolant leak in the warp reactor. We won't be going anywhere until I find it.

CHRIS PINE

I don't think that's a coincidence...

AUDIENCE

Oh, so there's, like, a traitor on the ship, and they're going to have to hunt them down. Okay, got it.

CHRIS goes to interview the prisoner.

BENADRYL THUNDERCATS

My name is Kahn. PETER WELLER unfroze me to have me work on warships to fight the Klingons, but kept my 72 crewmembers as hostages. As the world's only consulting terrorist, I don't stand for that shit, so I hid them in some photon torpedoes and manipulated him into putting them on your ship by blowing up various things and killing a bunch of people.

CHRIS PINE

You know, considering that you killed two hundred times more people than Hitler did, you'd think that PETER would, like, keep you in a jail cell, rather than let you wander around London.

INT. BRIDGE

PETER shows up in the USS FUCK YOU, a giant super-warship, following the ancient Hollywood convention that larger ships are always more powerful.

PETER WELLER

Hand over the terrorists.

CHRIS PINE

Nah.

PETER WELLER

So what if I unfroze Space Hitler. We gotta fight the Klingons!

CHRIS PINE

That's... I mean, obviously the movie thinks this is a bad thing, and maybe your methods are unsound here, but this is the universe where a mining ship traveled back in time and decimated the Starfleet fleet twice in a row. The "civilian ships of exploration" don't quite seem to be cutting it.

They go to warp. PETER catches up to them in transit, and uses his superior weaponry to cripple the Enterprise. They fall out of warp near Earth's moon.

CHRIS PINE

I have abruptly reconsidered my opinion.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Admiral, your daughter, ALICE EVE, snuck onboard the Enterprise. You cannot beam her out without disabling our shields, and you cannot damage us further without destroying the ship and killing her. Stalemate.

PETER WELLER

Nah.

She begins beaming out.

CHRIS PINE

Can you interrupt the transport?

JOHN CHO

No, it's coming from our own transporter!

AUDIENCE

Oh, it's the traitor in engineering. Cool.

PETER WELLER

Your move, creep. Haha, just kidding, I'll be killing you now.

Suddenly, PETER's ship shuts down! It's SIMON PEGG, who snuck onboard earlier in a scene I didn't feel like describing!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Okay, now that we're not going to die immediately, we can call Earth and tell them everything. I mean, they're literally right there. It would solve all of our problems.

CHRIS PINE

No, I have a better idea. I'll spacejump over to the other ship with BONAPARTE CRUELLADEVILLE, and we'll punch PETER, or something. This is a flawless plan, which cannot possibly fail.

They DO THAT, in a sequence that appears to be a literal video game.

INT. USS VENGEANCE (NO SERIOUSLY)

CHRIS PINE

Where is everyone?

BATTENBERG COLEGATE

The ship is heavily automated, so that it requires minimal crew, and can even be operated by a single person mwa ah ha ha cough cough.

CHRIS PINE

Huh.

(pause)

Why aren't all Starfleet ships like that? It's the year 2259, yet when I want the Enterprise to go somewhere, I tell a guy sitting at a desk to push a lever? It's like Star Trek froze the state of the art in 1960, and never improved.

INT. USS VENGEANCE BRIDGE

PETER WELLER

Wow, you brought him here? That was an incredibly bad idea. He's so dangerous that we literally banned all genetic engineering, and human augmentation in general, which is why people can still get infections or die of old age in the year 2259, which would otherwise be completely fucking ridiculous.

CHRIS PINE

For what is supposedly a science fiction franchise, Star Trek sure is incredibly conservative. And you'd think that the the point of a continuity reboot would be to jettison hilarious anachronisms like "genetic engineering is banned", or the fact that according to the new timeline, World War III took place around the year 1990.

(pause)

Anyway, I don't see what could possibly go wrong with letting Space Hitler onto the bridge of the super-warship.

BAZINGA CHAUVINIST knocks him out, then crushes PETER WELLER's head like a RIPE GRAPE, HOLY SHIT!!!

INT. USS ENTERPRISE BRIDGE

BUMPERCAR CATASTROPHIE

I propose a trade: your captain in return for my crew.

ZACHARY QUINTO

What stops you from immediately blowing us up afterward?

BAGELBITE CROCODILE

Eh.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Well, that's enough assurance for me.

BRATWURST CADBURY

You'd think I'd be suspicious of how quickly you agreed to your own suicide, but apparently not.

He beams the torpedoes onto the Vengeance, but, plot twist! They explode!

BIGWIG CABLECAR

SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Ha ha!

JOHN CHO

Main and backup power have failed. We are now falling towards the Earth.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Fuck. Well, that's okay, since if we're near the moon, then we're about 400,000 kilometres away from the Earth. And even if we were that close, one of the many, many other ships in Earth orbit could just tractor beam us, right?

WRITER DAMON LINDELOF

Pfft, where's the drama in that?

CHRIS and SIMON run to Engineering to restart the warp core!

JOHN CHO

Bad news, CHRIS. Artificial gravity is failing.

CHRIS PINE

Oh boy!

SIMON PEGG

What?

CHRIS PINE

I didn't think I'd get to do it this movie, but finally, here we are!!

SIMON PEGG

What??

Gravity turns 90 degrees, and CHRIS PINE dangles over a long drop by his fingertips!

CHRIS PINE

Haha, yes! Callback!

SIMON PEGG

You'd think losing power to the gravity generators would just drop us back to microgravity, rather than make it point in odd directions.

INT. ENGINEERING

SIMON PEGG

Whelp, we're fucked. The core is misaligned. The radiation would kill anyone trying to fix it from the inside.

AUDIENCE

Oh shit, it must have been the traitor in Engineering! This is it, this must be the final fight, inside the warp core itself! Oh shit, this is going to be awesome!!!

CHRIS realigns the core by the precise and technical methodology of "kicking it a bunch". It roars back to life, saving the Enterprise, but not before toasting CHRIS. The movie then re-enacts the final scene from Star Trek II, but flipped: Kirk on the inside, dying from radiation poisoning, Spock on the outside.

ZACHARY QUINTO

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!!!

AUDIENCE

(smirking slightly)

Ha ha, yes, very clever.

(pause)

So, wait, what was the whole deal with the mysterious malfunctions in the ship, then? Did JJ ABRAMS just completely forget about that subplot? You can forgive a couple plot holes in LOST, maybe, which was a long-running and complex TV show, but he spent four fucking years making the second STAR TREK. That's eleven days per minute of running time. How do you fuck that up?

Suddenly, the camera cuts to BOWLINGBALL CATSAPLENTY, who turns out not to be quite dead yet! He pilots the USS VENGEANCE straight into SAN FRANCISCO! Dozens of buildings are completely destroyed. Millions die. But not BIDET CHIPPENDALE! He survives! Again! Somehow! ZACHARY QUINTO beams down and there's a footchase through the streets of FUTURE SAN FRANCISCO, culminating in a fight aboard a FLYING GARBAGE TRUCK, which ZACHARY wins thanks to his girlfriend beaming down and shooting the bad guy a couple times with a stunner.

ZACHARY QUINTO

I totally had him.

ZOE SALDANA

Sure.

They inject some of his blood into CHRIS, who comes back from the dead. BEANBAG CLAMSAPLENTY goes back into cryosleep to await a sequel, and the crew goes off to try and find a time machine to retrieve some humpback whales in preparation for what is obviously going to be the plot of the third ABRAMS STAR TREK movie.

END