FADE IN:
EXT. PANDORA
SAM WORTHINGTON
I, the bold JAKE SCULLY, will lead my found family that consists of my two actual children, BORING GIRL and BRAVE FAILSON, along with CLONE SIGOURNEY WEAVER and QUARITCH JUNIOR, in our brave but really obviously futile fight of bows and arrows against a spacefairing civilization.
AUDIENCE
What?
SAM WORTHINGTON
What do you mean, what?
AUDIENCE
It's been fourteen years since the last movie came out! What the hell is all this crap? Why are you blue? What's that gas giant in the sky? Who are any of these characters? Who are you?
SAM WORTHINGTON
We just recapped this in AVATAR: THE WAY OF WATER three years ago. You saw that, right?
AUDIENCE
(clears throat, looks away, shuffles feet)
SAM WORTHINGTON
Whatever. You'll pick it up over the next three hours. It's not like we have all that much plot to cover.
AUDIENCE
THREE HOURS????
INT. HOLODECK
BRAVE FAILSON and DEAD FAILSON are flying their BIRD HORSES through floating rocks and suchlike. DIRECTOR JAMES CAMERON just LOVES this shit so if you don't want to sit through the next 180 minutes of CGI FLYING this is when you need to pull the ripcord.
DEAD FAILSON
(landing)
All this was sick as hell, bro, but what I really want to know is, how did I die?
BRAVE FAILSON
Fuck that! This is where all the dead Na'vi live? Did the tree, like, start up your neural simulation the minute you died, or does everyone just hang out in an eternal party the minute their braid touches a branch? How many quadrillions of Na'vi are in here? What's the computational substrate here, fungus? Who's the oldest uploaded Na'vi, and can I talk to them about this obviously artificially engineered afterlife?
DEAD FAILSON
(laughing)
Bro, calm down. This movie was written by a boomer. Obviously none of this is going to be mentioned lol.
EXT. WATER TRIBE
SAM WORTHINGTON and ZOE SALDAÑA are having an ARGUMENT. ZOE accurately points out that it's insanely stupid that QUARITCH JUNIOR is hanging out with the Na'vi when he's one mask malfunction away from choking to death, and also he's the son of the bad guy and also humans are definitely going to win this war against stone age savages. SAM WORTHINGTON accurately points out that the Na'vi cultural prohibition against touching iron really won't help to postpone their inevitable defeat. Since this is a movie, their irreconcilable conflict is going to be "solved" later by HUGGING and not talking about it.
EXT. PANDORA
The WORTHINGTON FAMILY accompany some traders. The convoy is attacked by the FIRE TRIBE and they CRASH LAND. BRAVE FAILSON and FAMILY are separated from the rest of the traders!
BRAVE FAILSON
Come on, this way!
They escape! Then, they are chased by CLONE QUARTRICH!
BRAVE FAILSON
Come on, this way!
They escape! Then, they are chased by SQUIDS, UNDERWATER!
BRAVE FAILSON
Come on, this way!
They escape!
BRAVE FAILSON
How does this fucking movie have FOUR writers?
EXT. LAND OF ASH AND FIRE
STEPHEN LANG
Alright I'm tired of fucking around, time to arm the natives. Spooky FIRE NATION lady, I want to offer you a hundred crates of guns in return for you to... well, to do the exact same thing you were doing before. This is literally all upside for you.
OONA CHAPLIN
(wiggling like a snake)
Yesssssss Quar Rich. I will do as you ask, but first you must do some freaky alien drugs and then fuck me.
STEPHEN LANG
(pauses)
Ordinarily doing space drugs while alone and surrounded by hostile blue cat people would be risky. But the movie makes it clear the company can just print copies of this body from their avatar xerox machine, so there's literally no risk for me here. In fact I'm the only character in the movie who's having any fun at all. Everything's coming up LANG!
The newly armed natives easily capture SAM WORTHINGTON and QUARITCH JUNIOR.
INT. HUMAN BASE
STEPHEN LANG
Boy I just can't stop winning. Both my hated enemy and my beloved son right here, in these incredibly secure cells, with no way at all to escape. Time to get some quality gloating in.
SAM WORTHINGTON
Colonel, you are in a cloned body that's been implanted with the memories of a dead man. You have new eyes. Use them.
STEPHEN LANG
(chuckling)
Son you are just too much. You want me to join the side whose greatest art is throwing rocks against the guys with antimatter-powered spaceships, who apparently have no restraint at all on killing Na'vi, besides the cost of shipping the bullet ten light years? Come on, would this argument even have worked on you, back then?
SAM WORTHINGTON
Well, I was largely persuaded by alien pussy.
STEPHEN LANG
And I'm already getting that, while getting to pop natives!
SAM WORTHINGTON
Well can your pussy do this?
ZOE SALDAÑA shows up, having overcome her aversion to touching metal, and BLOWS SOME SHIT UP with HUMAN WEAPONS! SAM and JUNIOR hop on the back of her BIRD HORSE!
STEPHEN LANG
Three people on the back of a fatigued BIRD HORSE, against a fresh flock of pursuers, and helicopter gunships? No way they're getting away from us, unless there's an abrupt scene tra
EXT. PANDORA
SAM, ZOE and JUNIOR land by a river, having easily escaped.
JACK CHAMPION
Well they only had fourteen years to work on the script, there's bound to be a plot hole or two with only four writers and only 168 months.
SAM WORTHINGTON
ZOE, you were right. QUARITCH JUNIOR cannot be allowed to live. Give me your knife.
AUDIENCE
Yeah right. There's still
(checks phone)
An hour of movie left? What the fuck?
SAM WORTHINGTON
No, I'll really do it! This is a serious scene!
AUDIENCE
(already left to take a pee break)
JACK CHAMPION
No dad, don't do it! I'll be good!
SAM WORTHINGTON
I can't do it! I just love my SON too much! Now I'm more determined than ever to defeat the bad guys!
AUDIENCE
(returning to their seats)
Oh good, I didn't miss anything.
EXT. WATER TRIBE
SAM WORTHINGTON
The humans are coming here, and they're going to kill all the whales, since JAMES CAMERON's brain was frozen in amber in 1968 and this is the biggest envriomental crime he can think of. I'm going to have to summon all the tribes to defeat them!
There is a montage where SAM pursuades all the tribes and also all the whales to FIGHT BACK. And then there's a half hour long CGI EXTRAVAGANZA where they FIGHT BACK and SMASH A LOT OF BOATS and kill a LOT OF HUMANS!
AUDIENCE
YAYY!!! Wait, we're humans, this is a weird thing to cheer for.
But then the humans TURN THE TIDE because they have guns and guns are actually pretty effective against bow and arrows.
SAM WORTHINGTON
(shot in the leg)
Damn... we're fucked. Everyone lay down and die, we're screwed.
CLONE SIGOURNEY WEAVER
Oh no we're not!
CLONE SIGOURNEY WEAVER communes with the NA'VI OVERMIND which then commands all the animal life of PANDORA to attack the humans. They are overwhelmed by a tide of murderous meat!
SAM WORTHINGTON
What? Why did it wait for the third movie to do this? Shouldn't it have done this five minutes after the first human landed?
JAMES CAMERON
Well if I listened to you then I couldn't have spun this out into five movies, now could I?
AUDIENCE
There's another six hours of this shit? Fuck that!
(they leave)
THE END