"
The Gaucho" (1927)
(movie) at the
Paramount, June 23rd.
0, that's right, zero, nada, I hate this movie so god damn much,
may it suck cocks in hell,
forever out of five
stars.
The movie is a pile of shit. Its crimes are legion, but topping the
list is its rampant racism and hilariously prevalent misogyny. The
characters are about as three-dimensional as a piece of paper,
spend half their time praying, and in the ending scenes, crowd into
a shrine to bow before YHWH and pledge to set up a
theocracy
based on the ten commandments. I am, of course, not
kidding.
But hey, it's a crappy movie. It was the 20's, this is what they
did, in between killing Germans and dying of the Spanish Flu.
But what's worse than the movie is the people who crowd into a
theater to see the movie. Apparently, the only thing middle aged
white women love more than watching dead people make bad movies is
not shutting up for one fucking second for 117 god damn
minutes. Painfully obvious plot twist? Cheer at the screen!
Awkward, poorly choreographed stunt performed by an incompetent
stunt man, and filmed by a blind, palsy-stricken moron! Cheer at
the screen! Douglas Fairbanks looked at the camera? Wet your
fucking panties, then cheer at the screen!
The whole thing was sponsored by Trader Joe's, of course, middle
aged white woman's supermarket of choice. Because if you've got to
choose between five different corporate multinationals, then you
better go for the one with the stupidly crowded isles and the 200%
markup.
The only thing dumber than all of this shit is the moron who gets
suckered into watching a fucking
silent movie by
the promise of
free tickets. There's a reason silent
movies aren't made anymore! It's because they
suck!
Fuck you all!