FADE IN

EXT. PRIMORDIAL EARTH

AN ALIEN ENGINEER too advanced to wear a shirt drinks some black goop next to NIAGARA FALLS.

ALIEN ENGINEER

You'd think we could just deliver some mud from a probe, or something.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

No, no, you're DYING to CREATE LIFE! It's SYMBOLIC.

ALIEN ENGINEER

Symbolically retarded?

He MELTS, and his DNA gets all funky with the locals.

INT. USS PROMETHEUS

The world's LONELIEST ANDROID screws around while the humans are in suspended animation.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

You'd think that I could just shut myself off 6 days out of 7, or something.

He carefully combs his hair, because if there's one thing robots totally care about, it's personal appearance.

COMPUTER

We've arrived at LV-223, which isn't actually the planet from the first two movies. That was LV-426. The movie assumes you know this, which isn't confusing at all.

The crew all emerge from suspended animation. They are: TOM SKERRIT, male lead, SIGOURNEY WEAVER, strong female character, JOHN HURT, corporate scumbag, YAPHET KOTTO, token minority, and IAN HOLM, subtly menacing android character.

Hold on, that's the intro to a movie made 33 years ago. In this movie, the cast is LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN, male lead, NOOMI RAPACE, strong female character, CHARLIZE THERON, corporate scumbag, IDRIS ELBA, token minority, and MICHAEL FASSBENDER, subtly menacing android character.

AUDIENCE

So is this a prequel to Alien, or a remake? And why the hell is the captain smoking a cigar inside a spaceship?

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

I was born in 1937.

GUY PEARCE

(via hologram, in comically bad old man makeup)

FASSBENDER is my son, except he's a robot, so he has no soul. You'd think that "soul" comment would have some kind of payoff at the end, but nope. Anyway, these two nerds think that all life on Earth come from this planet, or something, so they're like, your bosses. Even though I paid for the ship, included my robot son, and also CHARLIZE THERON, Weyland-Yutani executive. Also there's a ship captain, who's in charge too. Basically, the org chart here is a real clusterfuck, but I don't care, because I'm dead. I paid for this ruinously expensive flight because mumble mumble mumble.

IDRIS ELBA

Okay, so what are we doing here?

NOOMI RAPACE

Me and LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN discovered a bunch of cave paintings all over the planet showing the same stellar constellation. Therefore, all life on Earth must come from one of those solar systems, since there's no way all of those isolated tribes could look up and see the same stars.

IDRIS ELBA

Do you have any evidence at all to justify the "all life on Earth" thing, besides the opening sequence, which kinda takes all the tension out of this scene?

NOOMI RAPACE

(obnoxiously)

"It's what I choose to believe."

AUDIENCE

Ugh.

INT. WELL DECORATED APARTMENT

CHARLIZE THERON

I live in a completely self-contained module, with its own life support and autodoc, which won't be at all important later. It's got a literal piano in it, because if there's one thing interstellar spaceships like bringing along with them, it's dead weight. Anyway, if you find any aliens, don't make contact. Especially don't get impregnated by anything, or, like, take off your helmet. I mean, fucking duh. This is incredibly obvious. Just stating it out loud is an insult to anyone with a brain.

SEAN HARRIS

Ha ha, well you presume WRONG.

EXT. LV-223

They enter a giant ALIEN PYRAMID.

INT. PYRAMID

RAFE SPALL

Huh, the mixture of gases in here is such that you might be able to breathe it. Of course, there might be a virus which could infect anyone dumb enough to take off their helmet, or a tiny fraction of the air could be nerve gas, or the entire moon could smell like the universe's worst fart. Really, you'd had to be a spectacular idiot to take off your helmet as soon as you heard that the CO2 level was low enough that it wouldn't instantly kill you.

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

What if I BELIEVE I can breathe the air? Huh, what then?? CHRISTIANS 1, ATHEISTS 0.

The crew collectively win the RETARD OF THE YEAR award by taking off their helmets. They somehow DOESN'T DIE INSTANTLY. Half of the AUDIENCE walk out immediately. The other half remain, since they already paid nineteen dollars for their ticket, and they figure it can't possibly get any worse.

The crew discover an ALIEN ENGINEER decapitated by a door, two thousand years ago. Its head is almost intact, and it looks pretty much like a bald, ugly human. The crew reacts to discovering evidence of the first intelligent alien life by... reacting not at all. They bag up the head, and go back to the ship.

Meanwhile, MICHAEL FASSBENDER finds some mysterious black goop. RAFE SPALL and SEAN HARRIS stupidly get lost inside the PYRAMID, which we just saw get mapped by some flying laser-robots.

INT. USS PROMETHEUS

They stick a needle into the decapitated head of an alien that's been dead for TWO THOUSAND YEARS, and it's eyes open. At this point, the other half of the audience walks out. Its face starts twitching, and then it fucking EXPLODES.

NOOMI RAPACE

Gross.

(scrapes some head goop up)

Their DNA matches ours!

KATE DICKIE

Okay, let's run through this movie's thesis. 3.5 billion years ago, an ENGINEER melted himself on the planet Earth, seeding it with life.

NOOMI RAPACE

Right.

KATE DICKIE

Then, 1.5 billion years after that, the first oxygen producing bacteria evolved from its cells. 500 million years after that, the first multicellular life. A billion years after that, the Cambrian explosion. 250 million years after that, the first mammals. 248 million years after that, African planes apes. A million years after that, modern preindustrial humans. Then they showed up again, after 3.5 billion years, and showed a bunch of tribes a constellation, where this gas giant's moon, LV-223, is, where they've been waiting for us to develop interstellar travel.

NOOMI RAPACE

Right.

KATE DICKIE

And after 3.5 billion years of random evolution, we look almost exactly like them, which means that all life in the universe naturally converges on bipedal apes.

NOOMI RAPACE

Right.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

(direct quote)

"Both NASA and the Vatican agree that it is almost mathematically impossible that we can be where we are today, without there being a little help along the way."

KATE DICKIE

(leaves the movie, does not return)

INT. SHIP BAR

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

I'm sad, because all the aliens are dead.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Bummer, dude. Have a drink. I swear it won't melt you, or anything crazy like that.

INT. PYRAMID

SEAN HARRIS

Yo, I'm taking mad rips from the bong built into my spacesuit.

This really happens, in the actual movie. The PROJECTIONIST walks away from the window. The movie is now playing to a completely empty theater.

RAFE SPALL

We're fucking trapped in an ALIEN PYRAMID designed by H R GIGER, which filled with DEAD BODIES. We can't go back to the ship until the storm passes, and IDRIS keeps talking about detecting "life signs". I am legitimately freaking out, like any person would.

(pause)

Whoa, an alien snake. Wow, it's pretty.

RAFE SPALL immediately loses his ONLY SANE CHARACTER IN THE MOVIE status by approaching the FREAKY SNAKE THING.

RAFE SPALL

(being killed)

Oh no, it's killing me! Oh noooooo! How could anyone have possibly predicted this???

INT. USS PROMETHEUS

LOGAN MARSHALL-GREEN

Wow, my eyes are all fucked up. I sure hope no androids infected me with an alien disease, and I really hope I didn't pass it on to my TOTALLY STERILE GIRLFRIEND, NOOMI, who certainly CAN'T GET PREGNANT, EVER.

(pause)

I better not tell anyone.

They go back into the PYRAMID and find CHEECH's dead body, while CHONG is still missing. LOGAN comes down with a bad case of lookin' 28 DAYS LATER.

NOOMI RAPACE

We gotta get him back on the ship!

CHARLIZE THERON

(holding flamethrower)

Nah.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Man I love flamethrowers!

CHARLIZE THERON

Seriously, though, you discover an ALIEN PYRAMID, one crew member dies, one vanishes, and your boyfriend, who stupidly took his helmet off in the damn thing, comes down with some amazingly fast acting disease; and your first thought is to bring him back on the ship? Not on my watch.

CHARLIZE BURNS HIM A-FUCKING-LIVE. NOOMI is very sad about this! For a couple minutes.

INT. MEDIBAY

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Looks like you're pregnant.

NOOMI RAPACE

Is there not a single movie I can be in where I'm not either raped or impregnated?

MICHAEL FASSBENDER

Ha ha ha, funny story about that. Anyway, I'm gonna knock you out and stick you in the freezer, to take you back to Earth. Weyland-Yutani sure is keen on importing unstoppable death machines, even though it hasn't worked too well in the last five movies or so.

NOOMI takes a brief nap, then wakes up just in time, to make a break for CHARLIZE'S AUTODOC.

NOOMI RAPACE

Alright, I need an aliendectomy ASAP. An abortion, a C-section, whatever, I don't care.

AUTODOC

Error: this unit is not programmed to work with female humans.

NOOMI RAPACE

(pause)

What the fuck is it doing in CHARLIZE THERON'S room, then?

She persuades it to do it anyway, and we get to watch a robot pull a FACEHUGGER out of her gut. There are controls on the inside of the autodoctor's lid for... some reason?

NOOMI RAPACE

Why the fuck didn't it use anesthetics? How did a 20 pound alien grow inside of me literally overnight? Did it convert my liver and kidneys into bodymass or something? And how am I up and walking around and even running barely seconds after having major abdominal surgery performed on me? There wasn't even any nanotechnology magic involved, it just stapled the foot long gash shut and I'm completely fine.

The MOVIE, having absolutely no explanation for this bullshit, cuts away to

EXT. USS PROMETHEUS

ALIEN ZOMBIE SEAN HARRIS kills some extras. They SHOOT HIM, RUN HIM OVER, and LIGHT HIM ON FUCKING FIRE.

IDRIS ELBA

That cracker dead.

(pause)

What's the mechanism of action on the black goop, anyway? It instantly melted the ENGINEER in the first scene, made the other ENGINEER's head explode, gave LOGAN the flu, turned SEAN HARRIS into a superstrong zombie, and made NOOMI pregnant with a facehugger. What is it, sensitive to the phase of the moon?

GUY PIERCE turns out to have been on the ship the whole time!! If anyone was still watching the movie, they'd be surprised. He goes to the pyramid to wake up the ALIEN ENGINEER that MICHAEL FASSBENDER discovered, along with most of the crew.

NOOMI RAPACE

Wait, why the FUCK am I coming with you morons?

GUY PIERCE

(to alien)

I want more life, father!

In response, it KILLS EVERYONE. NOOMI runs away.

NOOMI RAPACE

So that's, what, three different characters in this movie with daddy issues? Just like... everyone in every RIDLEY SCOTT movie, ever?

The PYRAMID turns out to be a SPACESHIP. It starts taking off! The ENGINEERS really built to last, apparently.

EXT. LV-223

NOOMI RAPACE

It's gonna go to Earth and kill everyone there!

IDRIS ELBA

Listen, Ripley.

NOOMI RAPACE

Noomi.

IDRIS ELBA

Whatever. I've got a question. What the fuck was the point of this multi-billion year long plan? It's not like the ENGINEERS can control the xenomorphs, at all.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Eh.

NOOMI RAPACE

Anyway, you should fly our ship into it.

IDRIS ELBA

Okay.

FORGETTABLE EXTRAS

We'll come with you, since you are, direct quote from the movie, "a shit pilot"

IDRIS ELBA

Really? The commander of an interstellar mission is such a bad pilot that he can't kamikaze into another ship, and has to take two other people with him?

The PROMETHEUS ejects the SUBTLY FORESHADOWED LIFEBOAT and then flies into THE SOURCE OF ALL LIFE ON EARTH

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

(masturbating)

HA HA I AM SO CLEVER

The ALIEN SHIP crashes into the ground, and begins slowly rolling towards NOOMI and CHARLIZE.

NOOMI, the woman who not 30 minutes ago had a FOOT LONG INCISION CUT THROUGH HER STOMACH, sprints half a mile across broken ground. Being female, she trips and falls, then rolls six feet to the side. CHARLIZE stupidly keeps running directly away from the rolling SHIP, and gets CRUSHED.

NOOMI RAPACE

Cool, I guess that's it, since everyone is 100% dead and there's no loose ends at all. Guess I'll relax and mosey on over to the crashed LIFEBOAT, then maybe strip down to my underwear.

INT. LIFEBOAT

NOOMI begins sweeping a bunch of glowing cylinders into a bag, for some reason. Are these supposed to be rebreather cartridges, or something? She doesn't actually plug them into her suit, which earlier told her she had 2 minutes of oxygen left.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S ROBOT HEAD

(over radio)

Hey, the ENGINEER is coming for you.

NOOMI RAPACE

Wow, the third Alien movie where the android character ends up as a severed head, how innovative. Also, how did the ENGINEER get out of its ship so fast? Its ship has got to have the best artificial gravity field in the universe.

ALIEN ENGINEER

Ooga booga. I want to kill you for some reason.

GIANT FACEHUGGER

(out of nowhere)

You got a pretty mouth, boy.

ALIEN ENGINEER

How the fuck are you so big? You literally fill a room. Where did all that goddamn mass come from?

The FACEHUGGER impregnates the ENGINEER. This is probably supposed to bridge the gap between this movie and Alien, even though the ENGINEER in that movie was like five feet taller, and was on LV-426, not LV-223.

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

Eh.

EXT. LV-223

NOOMI RAPACE

Well, I'm still alive, I guess. No way to get back to Earth, though.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S ROBOT HEAD

Actually, I can fly the alien ships, and read their maps.

NOOMI RAPACE

Fucking... how? You were studying ancient languages earlier so is there supposed to be a Chomskian Universal Grammar, or something? Wasn't that idea pretty definitively disproven decades ago, when no deep structures were ever found in common between geographically isolated languages, and definitely not to the point where you could somehow reverse-engineer the Mother Tongue from them.

WRITER DAMON LINDELOF

My writing credits include COWBOYS AND ALIENS and LOST.

NOOMI RAPACE

Okay.

(pause)

But I don't want to go back to Earth. I want to go to the ENGINEERS' homeworld.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S ROBOT HEAD

Why?

NOOMI RAPACE

I want to know why they made us.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S ROBOT HEAD

Didn't GUY PIERCE just fucking ask that? Right in front of you? And the ENGINEER just murdered him? Again, right in front of you?

NOOMI RAPACE

You couldn't possibly understand, you're just a robot.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S ROBOT HEAD

(flabbergasted)

That doesn't make any fucking sense.

(looks at the time)

Wait, there's like 30 seconds left in the movie. This is the ending? Seriously?

DIRECTOR RIDLEY SCOTT

(shrugs)

THE END